According to a study published in 2008 by the University of Warwick and Dartmouth College in the USA, the risk of depression peaks at the age of 44 yrs old.
And, as Carl Jung said: “[people] seek position, marriage, reputation, outward success or money, and remain unhappy .. even when they have attained what they were seeking.”
Finding that you start to doubt yourself and try to ‘rediscover’ your youth in mid-life is often described as a ‘crisis’. What have I achieved? What is there to look forward to?
For many, it’s a bit of a joke – and then embarrassing when you realise that’s exactly what’s happening to you, where you are. And then it’s not a joke, and it can become a cause of strife and depression.
But perhaps it’s absolutely normal for men and women to feel more vulnerable as the ego which has driven us successfully through the first half of life begins to step back and allow our undiscovered, more reflective, ‘Self’ to wake up.
And perhaps we should look at it as a natural and wonderful opportunity to learn, rebalance and grow to fulfill a wider and wiser role in society and for humanity.
For some, there may need to be medical support and counselling or therapy. But for most, life coaching can provide a supportive and confidential opportunity for you to welcome and explore this change, identify resources which can lead you through the storm and, indeed, harness its energy for the second half of your life.
Often it’s helpful to put ourselves in a new space to help us reconnect with our courage and passion. That space can be virtual – created for example in a coaching relationship – or a physical change of scenery, some walking or cycling for example, or a retreat.
It’s important to remember that you can make a choice to move on, accept what’s happening and learn from it, and develop and change, and probably be stronger in many ways.
Same old, same old, or differently? – in the City. – 22/12/09
In the City, conversations about bonuses at this year end will certainly be different. No doubt ingenious ways to dodge the extra tax will be found for those people deemed worthy of exceptionally large ‘compensation’ packages. Perhaps this will include more deferral and equity, but essentially it is the same old corporate financial reward system which bears little relation to either the reality of entrepreneurial risk, or to genuine, sustainable motivation of those involved. The clue is in the very term ‘compensation’! For what – being a banker?
It’s possible that the City faces a tectonic upheaval in its operating conditions, as has been seen in, for example, the music business in recent years, or in Western industrial manufacturing in recent decades, or agriculture many years before that. History is littered with massive change. What could be the big shock to cause such a thing in finance – Government regulation?; increased competition for lower levels of business driving down returns?; a velvet revolution from issuers and investors fed up with excessive fee levels?; a drain of talented people who can no longer hold their head up with pride in public?
Who knows. But if it does happen, it appears likely that, seemingly lacking any sense of humility for the catastrophic events of the past couple of years, or connection with the rest of the economy or society, the rainmakers in the City who are entrenched in the bonus culture won’t know until it’s too late.
Or they could start to think differently: perhaps they could explore other ways to motivate and retain key talent (like many other businesses do) – supporting achievement, responsibility, recognition and growth for what they are, rather than being determined by commission. It’s a lot cheaper, and quite possibly a lot better!
Aloneness; Accepting – WisdomDice 11/11/09
i) what do I know at this time, now, about…
Aloneness: I am lucky to be feeling very connected with others today
Accepting: When I feel good I am more accepting
ii) And what else do I know about…
Aloneness: There will be many people feeling alone (esp today, 11/11)
Accepting: When I feel good I am more accepting – but is that superficial? what would test that?
iii) And what else do I know about…
Aloneness: Individuality/sense of uniqueness can make you feel more alone
Accepting: How do I typically react to aggression?
iv) And what else do I know about…
Aloneness: The comfort of commonality
Accepting: I step back but I’m not unassertive
v) And what else do I know about…
Aloneness: There is a role of the ‘system’ in providing connection/comfort
Accepting: By stepping back I can ask, what is the cause/intention of that behaviour? and by not being unassertive I can at the same time provide feedback
vi) And what else do I know about…
Aloneness: If the ‘wisdom of the system’ is a perceptual position, can we 2nd position the ‘universe’?
Accepting: Empathy and Presence
+i) And what do I know now about…
Aloneness: Developing the ‘skills’ for taking perceptual positions can help with aloneness
Accepting: When I feel good I have more capacity for empathy and presence
+ii) And what difference does that knowing make…
Aloneness: When working with individuality/uniqueness with clients, perhaps also check with/do some 2nd/3rd positioning
Accepting: I can be aware of my own state so that if there is a particular need to exercise empathy and presence (perhaps in dealing with aggression?) then I may nee to improve my mood/manage my state in some way – (perhaps allow my 5yr old child out some more?)
Judgement & Noticing (WisdomDice) 6/11/09
i) what do I know at this time, now, about…
Judgement: It’s not helpful to judge people.
Noticing: makes life so interesting!
ii) And what else do I know about…
Judgement: ..but it’s very powerful.
Noticing: is special for others.
iii) And what else do I know about…
Judgement: it’s inevitable – we have to judge.
Noticing: can also be intrusive.
iv) And what else do I know about…
Judgement: is risk management – we have to judge to protect, and also to see opportunity.
Noticing: my judgement is important re what is special vs what is intrusive.
v) And what else do I know about…
Judgement: it’s about managing defensiveness.
Noticing: what impact do my defensiveness filters have on my judgement?
vi) And what else do I know about…
Judgement: don’t be too internally focused – engage with the world to rebalance.
Noticing: it’s about contracting as well as judging.
+i) And what do I know now about…
Judgement: it’s fundamental – and so is the defensive-engagement balance.
Noticing: seeking permission beyond ‘superficial’ noticing with others
+ii) And what difference does that knowing make…
Judgement: Don’t avoid judgement, but notice if it’s defensive, and what purpose that serves.
Noticing: Be aware of ‘uncontracted’ coaching/noticing with others
i) what do I know at this time, now, about…
Aloneness: It’s tough working on your own.
Freedom: It’s free working on your own.
ii) And what else do I know about…
Aloneness: It’s my choice whether I’m alone or not.
Freedom: I can be creative and make a difference.
iii) And what else do I know about…
Aloneness: Sometimes aloneness is necessary for me.
Freedom: My creativity only makes a difference if I interact with others.
iv) And what else do I know about…
Aloneness: Aloneness tests my character more than when I’m with others.
Freedom: I am free to choose with whom I interact.
v) And what else do I know about…
Aloneness: What is it I want to test?
Freedom: It’s my choice how I interact with others.
vi) And what else do I know about…
Aloneness: Resilience and Independence are important.
Freedom: I can be more deliberate about that choosing.
+i) And what do I know now about…
Aloneness: I can be more resilient and independent if I don’t beat myself up.
Freedom: Be aware of ‘soft’ behaviours re interacting.
+ii) And what difference does that knowing make…
Aloneness: When I am more resilient, I can be a better leader.
Freedom: More actively separate business and social interaction
WisdomDice – update – 10/10/09
This is an update on an earlier blog with some extra thinking and ‘how to’ use them…
* Conversations usually stay at a superficial level, often appropriately. But maybe life can be richer with more understanding and learning if some of that chat time with other people was spent exploring more challenging/meaningful subjects.
With a little help from a couple of books I have read (see below) and some thinking time in the bath, I came up with an idea for randomly stimulating deeper conversations: WisdomDice -one with 6 challenging concepts, the other more aspirational. It’s important to use both at once, and whatever two subjects come up, that’s what you have to include in your conversation. Simple. You can give yourself time limits if you want and then roll the dice again!
Why not give it a go – I’d love to hear how it goes!
(Perhaps you could buy 2 sets of dice of different colours, say red and white, and then take one of each, and give the other mixed pair to a good friend. Number the subjects below 1-6 in a notebook or in your ‘organiser’, so if you throw a 1 on red it would say Meaninglessness, whilst a 4 on white would say Freedom… do you get the drift?)
Here are my suggestions for what to put on the dice:
1. Meaninglessness; Complicity; Aloneness; Death; Expertise; Judgement
2. Uniqueness; Belonging; Purpose; Freedom; Accepting; Noticing
Books:
‘Love’s Executioner and other tales of Psychotherapy’ – Irvin Yalom
‘The Dice Man’ – Luke Rhinehart
** Further re the dice – my rule is that they have to be used together so you can’t use just the ‘challenging’ one or the ‘aspirational’ one. The idea behind that is that the aspirational ones provide ‘lift’ to help counteract the ‘heaviness’ of the challenging ones. You may choose a different metaphor system to think about the qualities of the dice and subjects!
Freedom was originally going to be on the ‘heavy’ die! Irvin Yalom talks of four key areas usually driving a need for psychotherapy: death, existential loneliness, meaninglessness of life, and freedom. You’ll notice the first three already on the ‘heavy’ die – and I substituted ‘complicity’ for freedom. The challenge of freedom is about the challenge of decisions – if you are free to make a decision, then you are free to ‘kill’ other options, so true freedom is inexorably linked with grief (for what could have been). But I think most people will see freedom as positive, so I wanted an ‘opposite’… Complicity for me means falling into line whether you like it or not, ie not exercising freedom, and for me, is the root of evils like the Final Solution, or the massive inflation of asset values through financial derivatives…
Again for me, the opposites of death, meaninglessness and aloneness are uniqueness (we are special and therefore worth being alive), purpose and belonging. Which left me with 2 sides to fill on each die.
I find one of the most corrosive of concepts for individuals and their self-belief is ‘being an expert’ – how limiting is that!? There’s nothing left to learn, and then you’re always comparing yourself with everyone else to check you’re still an expert. Many would find it surprising to see that on the heavy die. Its opposite could be noticing, in a mindful sense.
Finally, judgement, expert’s terrible twin, the packing tape which seals tight the box into which we can be tempted to put ourselves! How much better it is to accept what could be?
But these are my takes on the words – yours will be different. Enjoy.
*** Further, further… WisdomDice on your own!
Perhaps every day? Or once a week?
Here, I suggest combining it with one of the most powerful & clean self-emergent thinking processes, the Power of Six (from David Grove’s work, see also Philip Harland’s excellent book, The Power of Six: A Six Part Guide to Self-Knowledge, advance copies available now at www.powersofsix.com and http://www.amazon.com/Power-Six-Part-Guide-Knowledge/dp/1448647800/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1255623526&sr=1-2).
Throw the dice:
Taking each die/word in turn, ask yourself, ‘What do I know about that?’
And then for each die/word, ‘What else do I know about that?’, five times.
Then ask, ‘and what do I know now?’
And then ‘and what difference does that knowing make?’
It will take a few minutes. But could make the rest of the day much richer.
Development Culture vs Bonus Culture – 18/04/09
So.
The sole strategy of investment banking and other companies relating to the financial markets for finding and retaining effective people, ie. stuffing ever larger quantities of cash down their throats and hoping to produce ‘foie gras’ performance, has been found wanting.
Performance has indeed often been ‘high’ but resulting in heroic value destruction. At some point, I believe during the mid-late 1990′s, there was a de-coupling of reward from recognition of risk. So performance and productivity of business units and individuals was measured only on the ‘upside’, and when the bubble bursts….
There’s nothing wrong with hard-working and creative people being rewarded richly for entrepreneurial wealth creation – it’s been happening for centuries. Dreams provide incentive, and we need dreamers and leaders in our system. But an institutionalised mega-salary and bonus structure is fundamentally different to true equity risk where identity, passion and purpose is inextricably linked with fortune or bankruptcy. It’s just institutionalised greed and, as a result, ‘investment banker’ is now seen as an insult rather than a term of admiration. Which is a shame because there are a lot of very capable, hard-working people involved – including some good friends of mine – and I don’t believe their intention was ever to be seen as an embarrassment to their family, or their society.
However, there is an opportunity for a more sustainable culture to emerge which can once again bring the best out of these resourceful and motivated folk. And the clues for this can be found in some research from many years back by Herzberg who identified that, in the workplace, there are ‘motivational’ factors and ‘hygiene’ factors. The latter are things like salary, bonus, job security, company policy and relationships with co-workers – which give dissatisfaction when they are absent – whilst positive satisfaction arises from the motivators, which include achievement, recognition, responsibility, growth and the fulfilment of the work itself.
Now, Herzberg’s work has been superceded in some ways over the the past 50 years, but at its core it seems essentially true to me. And so I look to growth, fulfilment and achievement as an alternative mantra for institutions in the financial markets to find and retain the good people we need to get us through and out of this almighty mess. There is a need to foster an environment where identity, passion and purpose can flourish at both an individual and systemic level and where the reward is growth (including of wealth and fulfilment and capability) rather than just incomprehensible quantities of cash.
The first step is awareness – so if you agree with this, please help spread the word!
This week I have been inspired from an unexpected source – a poem from a friend titled, ‘Conversation, that’s my drug’. I will leave it to him to decide whether or not to share his poem and his identity as a comment on this blog! I hope so.
Anyway, I found myself ashamed that I hadn’t got in touch with this warm-hearted friend in over a year. I hadn’t found time for him because I have been focused on building my business and, despite connecting with all sorts of contacts and friends over the past year, rather than *seeing* him as a source of friendship and thoughtful stimulation, I *didn’t see* him as a potentially useful contact for business. He is a bit like a human bumper car because his eyesight is failing him – but perhaps it’s me who could see things better.
So this poem got me thinking about all those times when my conversations stay at a superficial level, often appropriately. But maybe life can be richer if more of those chats (and more time) was spent exploring more meaningful subjects.
With a little help from a couple of books I have read (see below) and some thinking time in the bath, I came up with an idea for randomly stimulating deeper conversations: Wisdom Dice -one with 6 challenging concepts, the other more aspirational. It’s important to use both at once, and whatever two subjects come up, that’s what you have to include in your conversation. Simple. You can give yourself time limits if you want and then roll the dice again! Why not make some up and give it a go – I’d love to hear how it goes!
Here are my suggestions for what to put on the dice:
1. Meaningless; Complicity; Aloneness; Death; Expertise; Judgement
2. Uniqueness; Belonging; Purpose; Freedom; Accepting; Noticing
nb. I accept no liability for any tears, anger, hugs, laughter, love or energy which may result from using these powerful dice.
Take care
Books:
‘Love’s Executioner and other tales of Psychotherapy’ – Irvin Yalom
‘The Dice Man’ – Luke Rhinehart
A conversation with my pelvis – 30/01/09
I’m having a conversation with my pelvis
which is a new experience
and I don’t know where
to start
I’m feeling rather tongue-tied
and prone to inappropriate questions
that really aren’t connecting
or creating ‘rapport’
with my pelvis.
For a start
I don’t know what language to use
words or feelings
or pictures
or something altogether more abstract
maybe movement
or relaxation
relaxation
yes
I think
that’s it
a gentle lowering into calm
and peace
and then quiet
and still
quiet and still
don’t hurry to ask
listen
notice
emerge
and what is it you want to say?
“I want to dance”
“I want to move freely”
“I want to love and be loved. I want to be released
to heal
and to be alive”
“Can you help me?”
How amazing is the raisin – 22/01/09
How amazing is the raisin
in comparison to all of us.
It’s such a tiny fruit
but with steep hills
and dark valleys,
gorges and ravines
too, rugged and soft
like a volcanic island in the tropics,
seen from the air,
its sensual richness hidden
beneath the canopy.
And the skin of my palm can feel
the touch
of its highest mountains.
And when I’m raising the raisin
to my lips
I appreciate its sacrifice,
the generous cycle
of an offering of sustenance
in exchange for distribution
to an unknown place
and a fertile landing.
In appraising the raisin
in my mouth,
with my tongue, the tip
of my tongue
and the roof
of the front of my mouth,
I slowly roll it
and notice
how its cool roughness
warms and softens
as the raisin grows
and begins to release its
gentle sweetness
and the flavour of sun-baked afternoons
with the hot air stirring
and full of the scent of thyme,
rosemary and marjoram.
And as I start to squash
and break up
the now supplicant raisin
with my hard and merciless
front teeth, savouring
its gifts of energy
and taste and dreams
from lands afar,
and this moment in time
of pleasure
and exploration,
I feel guilt.
For all the other amazing raisins
which have just been
gobbled
and chomped
without thought,
without appreciation,
their richness ignored and forgotten.
And I wonder how life can be
if we take care
to notice
how amazing a raisin
can be
and
if that is true
for this tiny fruit,
what is possible
for such a gigantic and extraordinary organism
as a human being.
You
me
and all of us.
And all of us
together.
Noticing
ourselves
and each other.
with thanks to Alister Scott for his lesson in mindfulness.
I’m not so smug as to say ‘I told you so’ or had any real clue about timing, but one of the reasons why I’m not surprised about the ‘crash’ and the coming depression is that Kondratiev’s ‘long term cycle’ has always struck a chord with me. It’s something to do with generations passing and the loss of a collective sense at an unconscious level. And it’s not just about money.
Anyone who is old enough to have had their key life values formed by the direct experience of the ’29 crash & ’30′s depression would now be in their 90′s, or older. Most are gone from us. And with them we lost that direct intelligence – a body of wisdom. The lessons and values which were picked up by the next generation were indirect, and the echoes into the following generation are much diluted. And so the same mistakes were made.
I was moved a few days ago by a photo on my friend Steve’s facebook page of his father’s arm. Steve cared very deeply for him. His arm still had a six-digit number tattooed on it, his number at Auschwitz. He survived, and now he has just died. One less direct survivor of this most terrible manifestation of the Holocaust. And the body of wisdom, the collective intelligence about this horror, is that little bit smaller.
Humanity couldn’t make the same mistakes again, could it? How can we be different today, to make sure the next 10 years are different to those between 1929 and 1939?
Personally, I’m going to try and understand more about what happened in those years, as the more knowledge we have, the more we can be aware of how to be different. And I’m also going to try and notice more carefully how we all live with each other because I suspect the seeds of hatred are in the mundane. And I’m going to talk again with Steve, when he’s ready, and try to contribute to the maintenance of that unconscious collective intelligence.
An Epicurean’s Delight – 14/11/08
The warmth of the first sip of the first cup of tea of the day in the dark of the bedroom.
A memory of my sons and their friends performing their music to an enthusiastic audience.
A clean pair of socks with no holes. Fresh crusty white bread rolls. Home made plum and apple jam.
The pale solid strength of an ash dining table in a modest, warm room.
The gentle touch of your partner’s hand.
A click, as a text message arrives from a friend.
Cool air on your face and in your lungs as you walk briskly outside.
To know that you have been listened to.
A blackbird briefly sings. A birthday card from my parents to my child. The satisfaction as another task is completed with the quality that is important to me. A decision to make a phone call and engage with the unknown, possibly to make something happen that could change everything, or not.
Relaxation that spreads as the heat of the bath-water permeates the aching muscles in my back.
Some words on paper which capture the thinking of another person at another time and another situation – which affect me like ripples in a glassy lake.
The time to reflect, to think.
And then there’s lovemaking, but I won’t go there now.
To be an Epicurean, to be devoted to the pursuit of pleasure, doesn’t have to include luxury, gluttony or loads of money. Just to notice how wonderful the simplest things can be, in life and in work, and to be present for them, is to be as lucky as can be.
with thanks to Alain de Botton’s ‘The Consolations of Philosophy’
The crash in financial markets – and the following depression in the global economy as it deleverages/contracts over the coming years – will cause undoubted difficulties and hardship for very many people. The changes and challenges we are going to live through are biblical in their scale. They will affect all of us profoundly. And that makes me feel quite uneasy.
What we make of this new world will depend in large part on our individual and collective reaction. So how fantastic it is that such an inspirational and human leader has come to us at this time as the new President of the world’s most important economy. He can’t fix all the broken bits by magic, but he could make a real difference to how we think and behave.
It’s a responsibility for all of us to exercise care and tolerance if we are to protect our society. Indeed, there is a bigger opportunity now. This is to change and strengthen society’s values and collective behaviour to live and work together, with each other, in a fundamentally healthier way for generations to come.
The days of obscene salaries and bonuses are over. Greed is now bad. Instead, the symbols of achievement and value in the working environment will be around fulfilment, relationships, teamwork and, hopefully, humility. Perhaps teachers, nurses and scientists will once again be valued and respected more equally with traders and lawyers. What will your reaction to the new world be? Are you ready for change?
For me, the sense of unease around the economic outlook is more than outweighed by the excitement of playing my part in the new world values – helping to bring people together in a more accepting way; to communicate more sensitively; to notice what is important and true for themselves; and at all times to be present as an ambassador for our shared humanity.
Take care
